When did your kiddo get a cell phone? And, how do you set boundaries?

With kids ranging from 11th grade to 1st grade, we are all at various stages of the parenting game. And, each of us have struggled with knowing the right timing for a cell phone for our kids. In Ali and Ashley's case, that time hasn't come yet. For Rebecca, with a Junior in High School, she's crossed that bridge, has a cell phone contract with her kids and explains, "I've learned that the only wrong way to do this is not to care about your child’s phone use. If you care, monitor, ask questions, and take action when necessary, then you're getting it right. It’s messy, and frankly, I hate this part of parenting, but even if I didn't give them a phone, I’d still be parenting them through the challenges that come with that. There is no easy way!" So, if this is a struggle for you as well, hopefully these 5 perspectives will let you know that you're not alone in this messy part of parenting.

Jen, Bespoke Travel Designer from @GlobalonDemandTravel

I really tried to wait. He never thought he’d be getting a phone before 14, so when he got one at 13, he was completely shocked—and ecstatic. Studies link early smartphone use to disrupted sleep, higher anxiety, and less face-to-face interaction. Since kids are still developing self-regulation skills in late childhood, the constant pings and pull of social media can make it harder for them to build healthy habits. Being caught up in “likes and views” impacts mental health for everyone, but it’s especially tough on teenage brains that are still wiring themselves. Waiting as long as possible was a big priority for me.

When my kids finally did get phones, we set rules to help them use them responsibly. Social media isn’t allowed until age 16. Phones charge overnight in the kitchen, not in their rooms. They also know I can read their texts anytime. And we use what we call the “grandma test”: if you wouldn’t feel comfortable showing it or saying it to your grandma, then don’t post it or send it.

Rebecca, Woman's Leadership Coach from @PleasantlyAggressive

My oldest was entering 6th grade in 2020. I was worried about him staying connected to friends during such an uncertain time. I don't regret that decision. We did the best we could with the hand we were all being dealt.

When my youngest was entering 6th grade, he was eagerly awaiting the same privilege. I thought I was being fair by offering him the same deal as his brother. Unfortunately, he wasn't ready for the phone, and he made some big mistakes.

To break it down, a phone is one thing - what my kids have access to on the phone is another.

Screen time, social media, and messaging apps each have their own separate boundaries to set. We started with a contract that our kids had to read out loud to us and then sign before we handed over a phone that covered everything from how we would handle misuse (and what constituted misuse) to what happens when it's lost or broken (the contract is 3 pages long!) Access to various apps and screen time continues to evolve. My 8th grader doesn't have Snapchat or social media (other than YouTube). My 11th grader has all the things.

I've learned that the only wrong way to do this is not to care about your child’s phone use. If you care, monitor, ask questions, and take action when necessary, then you're getting it right. It’s messy, and frankly, I hate this part of parenting, but even if I didn't give them a phone, I’d still be parenting them through the challenges that come with that. There is no easy way!

Ashley, Millennial Mom Nutrition Coach from @AshleyBreaksTheCycle

Ah yes, the cell phone debate otherwise known as “the topic that comes up at every family gathering and with increasing frequency in my own house.”

My daughter is heading into 7th grade, and I’m holding off on the phone as long as I possibly can. She’s 12, and her birthday is in June and let me tell you, she is actively campaigning. We’re talking slide presentations, organized pleas from her friend group, full-on PR campaigns. The girl is relentless.

My original plan was to wait until high school and that felt like a solid boundary. But the more I read, the more I’ve come to settle on age 13. Research shows that waiting until at least 13 can have more positive effects on mental health and social development, and honestly, that alone is enough for me to hang in there a little longer.

So while the pressure is real from family, friends, and definitely my daughter. I’m sticking with that goal. Thirteen. We’ll cross that iPhone bridge when we get there… and yes, I’m already preparing myself for the next battle: social media.

Ali, Book Aficionado from @The BookClubCart

This is a tough one for me to answer because we are not there yet, since my oldest is 10. I would love to say we will give each of our kids a phone at a specific age/stage, but I know it is not that easy.

I wish there was an ultimate “how to manage your kid with a cell phone” document, but with how fast technology changes it is hard to keep up. Deciding if and when to get a cellphone for our kids will definitely be something my husband and I will have to think about very in-depth.

Kim, Home Connoisseur from @Reverie.and.Root & Founder of Spilling Goodness

Every time I hear of a town or group of parents that made a pact to collectively wait until a certain age for anyone to get a cell phone, I think that's the best idea! Alas, that is not the case in our community. We ventured into cell phone responsibilities just before middle school for our kids (so far). While it meant many things for them, for me I wanted them to have a way to contact me when they got on the bus or we dropped them off at a sports practice. I simply felt better knowing I could reach them and they could reach me. With that, came a lot of learning about how to handle all that comes with having so much access to friends, information and the black hole that so many apps are designed to become.

So, while we reviewed the phone ground rules when my older two kids each first received their phone, we still revisit them frequently. I request a phone-free car (this is a huge challenge for a middle school boy carpool), phones are charged outside of bedrooms, my husband and I review text messages and we utilize a lot of the parental controls for screen time. That said, learning to handle all the comes with a phone comes with a lot of conversations, some trial and error and taking in a little bit at a time. There have definitely been "learning moments" that have come from reviewing phone usage and chatting about it together, but we are learning together. As with any new responsibility, it comes with a lot of guidance, coaching and oversight.

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