How do you parent different kids, differently?

There are 18 kids between our Spilling Goodness group of 6 moms. And, each one of them is unique, every day brings something new and every season we're learning about a new interest, milestone or challenge. As Emilee notes, "Parenting sure is a wild ride." Chatting about how we see, appreciate and react to the unique qualities of our children, we come back to fairness and connection. As Ashley notes equal isn't the goal - but reading the room (or kid in this case) and working towards "fair" and present feels more inline with what our kids actually need. And, while Ali realizes that she may be parenting a "mini me," she also notes that "At the end of the day, I’m realizing that while my love stays the same, my approach has to be flexible — because each kid needs something a little different." Read on to see how we all embrace this wild parenting ride.

Ashley, Millennial Mom Nutrition Coach from @AshleyBreaksTheCycle

Absolutely!

My kids are different ages, different personalities, and wired differently;so parenting them “equally” wouldn’t actually be fair. The core expectations are the same across the board: respect mom and dad, no talking back, clean up after yourself, treat people and belongings well. Those values don’t change.

But how I meet their needs? That varies.

One of my kids has inattentive ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria, which means his emotional world is more intense and requires more TLC. That doesn’t mean he gets more “stuff,” but sometimes he needs more regulation support or reassurance. And yes, sometimes I worry about unintentionally giving him more attention in hard moments but the reality is each child has their own needs at different times.

I’m raising independent thinkers and doers. They can make their own snacks, shower, get dressed, and (attempt to) clean up their messes. I don’t want them growing up expecting someone else (especially a future partner) to carry the mental and physical load of life.

It’s not about being super strict. It’s about being consistent, clear, and flexible enough to adjust to who they are.

At the end of the day, my hope isn’t perfection. It’s that they grow into capable, respectful humans who have each other’s backs and know how to stand on their own two feet.

Emilee, Book Aficionado from @The BookClubCart

Parenting differently doesn’t change the way we love or care for our children. Our love is the same spread between all 3. Our rules are the same spread between all 3. But the way we handle certain situations between them can be very different.

I have one that is always pushing boundaries, but is loyal and trusting to those close to them. I have one that is open to change when they are ready for it (but not a minute before) and is incredibly loving to everyone. I have another that is very observant and then makes their decisions based on what they see in those consequences, thus looking for validation in their own actions.

How can I parent these 3 personalities the same? The answer - I don’t. However, I make mistakes everyday and hope that I am giving each of them what they need to help grow them into the adult they will eventually become.

Parenting sure is a wild ride.

Ali, Book Aficionado from @The BookClubCart

I actually find this question so interesting because I really believe birth order and gender play a big role in how personalities develop and interact. I’m a firstborn with two younger brothers, and now as a mom, I can clearly see how my personality meshes with each of my kids in different ways. No amount of parenting books or classes can fully prepare you for that part. Just like my kids are learning as they grow, I feel like I’m learning right alongside them.

My firstborn son is basically my mini-me. We’re both high-strung, type A, loud, energetic, and joyful. Because we’re so similar, we probably butt heads the most. I’ve had to learn to slow myself down in those heated moments and remember I’m parenting a younger, less developed version of myself. That perspective helps me lead with more grace and calm. He really thrives on independence and blossoms when he’s given space to figure things out on his own — just with a little guidance.

My second-born is my quiet, sweet-souled observer. He takes everything in, but he’s also super impulsive. I have to remind myself daily that his decisions are often made in the moment, not after carefully thinking through the before and after. It feels very “middle child” to me. Parenting him has taught me not to overreact and to respond with patience instead of frustration.

And then there’s my third — my girl, the one I wish I could’ve been growing up. She’s independent, confident, and completely sure of herself. Right now, I’m still her favorite person, so parenting her feels easy (for the moment!). Maybe that’s just third-child energy… or maybe I’ve finally relaxed a little as a parent. I’m sure she’ll keep me on my toes as she grows, so I’m definitely open to all the tips.

At the end of the day, I’m realizing that while my love stays the same, my approach has to be flexible — because each kid needs something a little different.

Kim, Home Connoisseur from @Reverie.and.Root & Founder of Spilling Goodness

Parenting different kids differently for me, looks like meeting each kid where they are. This might relate to what they naturally excel at, what feels hard for them, what they are navigating in the moment or simply who they are. And, if I'm being honest, as much as I like to be consistent, I'm not the same mom for my third child as I was for my first. I've grown, I've lived through more milestones and frankly, I've calmed down.

With my first born, I joke with her that we figure things out together. The first time she went to school was the first time I'd taken a kid to school. In so many ways, she paves the way with all the firsts and I'm learning with every step, too. (She's in driver's ed now - holy learning curve!)

With all three, I try to encourage as much independence as they appear ready for (or dialing back if needed), and I subscribe to the idea that as they step up, I step down. Take swimming as an example: when they were first learning, I was in the pool and holding them. Then came lessons with a coach, then swim team, then going to the pool with friends. Each progression of independence came on its own unique timeline and with a little trial. Now, I'm back in the metophical driving pool - trying to figure out how to channel third kid mom energy for my first!

Jen, Bespoke Travel Planner from @GlobalOnDemandTravel

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Rebecca, Woman's Leadership Coach from @PleasantlyAggressive

When I became a parent, I quickly realized that there would be moments where one child needed me more - either physically or emotionally. It could be as simple as when one child is sick, or as if their hobby or sport requires more family resources. It's especially hard when one child consistently needs more than the other. Consistent effort must be made to share time and resources as fairly as possible, but, more importantly, achieving fairness is not a daily goal; it is a monthly or yearly goal.

I only have two kids, and the way they move through the world is very different. How we encourage, give feedback, punish, and communicate should be tailored to each child, but often it’s not. Often it’s one blanket lecture or conversation. Those days are good enough, but it’s really magical to see what happens when you get alone time with each kid individually. Being able to really listen, ask them what they need, and respond in kind has created many pivotal moments.

What’s good for the goose is often NOT good for the gander!

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How do you parent different kids, differently?