Kids & Social Media: How do you manage?
- 2 days ago
- 8 min read
Our kids were born into a world with social media. While we may have checked AOL Instant Messenger away messages in college, that's the equivalent of a carrier pigeon to what they have at their fingertips today. And, the waters for how to manage this world are muddy - at best. Since several of our Spilling Goodness moms are on just the cusp of this challenge, we're welcoming two guest mom contributors. They are moms of older kids and generously added their experience to the conversation. From a strategy of education and oversight, to family meetings to review new requests and trying to find the balance between cutting them off from social media and total freedom, each perspective is centered on trying to do what's best for our kids. And, as Ali put it, we hope it is helpful to learn from families already navigating the big world of social media.
Barb, Guest Mom Contributor and Middle School Teacher
Managing social media and technology with our kids has been less about setting rigid rules and more like teaching them how to drive—starting in empty parking lots with lots of parent guidance, baby steps, and continuous conversations before eventually letting them merge onto the highway.
Early on, our rules were simple: asking permission before downloading apps, full password transparency, private accounts, spot-checking, and only connecting with known friends. But as our kids have grown, we’ve realized technology is simply the modern world's primary tool, not a "forbidden fruit" to be feared. The learning curve was eye-opening—seeing Snapchat become their version of texting, SnapMaps helping us find a hidden soccer field when GPS failed (and conversely dealing with the heartbreak of seeing a gathering they weren't invited to). As well as realizing our incoming college freshman needed over ten university apps, as everything university related is app based, not to mention the digital dorm room key and digital student ID, all linked to her Apple ID. Because technology evolves so quickly, my husband and I have had to do our homework to stay current on platforms our friends and peers don't regularly use as primary communication tools, ensuring we have the background knowledge to help our kids navigate the trickier parts of their digital lives. For example, I text my friends instead of sending them a Snap. So…I’m learning how to use Snapchat and TikTok. And my kids are my teachers!
Ultimately, as our kids gain independence and expand their networks to friends of friends, sports teammates, friends of sports teammates, and even finding college roommates online, our goal is a gradual release toward independence. Cutting them off entirely from social media isolates them, while total freedom without guidance leaves them vulnerable. By viewing phones as essential tools rather than taboos, we keep the door open for ongoing, honest dialogue about safety, privacy, and healthy limits. It’s definitely a journey—sometimes with a nervous parent in the passenger seat—but by coaching rather than policing, we are helping them build the digital maturity they’ll need as adults.
Jo, Guest Mom Contributor
Social media is an ever evolving conversation in my family. Someone told me once that “by having only boys, I wouldn’t have to deal with the worst parts of social media.” In small ways, that is true. For my boys, doom scrolling is all about sports game scores, video game shortcuts, and watching people do dumb pranks. There is no comparing oneself, caring what social groups are discussing (hello 90 unanswered snapchat group texts), or requests to purchase things seen online. But in general, most of the social media dangers that we worry about as parents are true for both girls and boys, preteens and teens, kids in honors classes, kids who could care less about school, kids who love sports, kids who love theater, first borns, babies of the family…in other words, everyone.
As terrifying as the idea of social media can be for parents, it’s a very normal, very prevalent concept for our kids. Ignoring it and restricting it forever won’t make it go away. So, like a neighbor you wish wasn’t there, but also isn’t moving anytime soon, (in fact, might be multiplying with more kids or more extended family coming in for holidays and birthdays), we’ve learned how to live with it.
Our kids both got smart phones around 6th grade and, much to their dismay, those phones were riddled with settings that restricted their access to apps and the phone in general. There was no social media to start. As they have gotten older, their settings have changed, social media has joined the scene, and those changes have always been initiated by our kids. In our family, you can call a family meeting and request a social media change - a new app, longer time allowed on an app, or a different request altogether. (The latest request from our tenth grader was to take off time restrictions on social media and trust that he could moderate it himself.) As a family, we use these meetings to listen to their requests and the reasons behind them, discuss social media expectations in general, and connect with them about these apps.
Our first son is a bit of a guinea pig in all this - we don’t kid ourselves that we know how to do this perfectly, or even well, and we have learned things along the way that we’ll change for our second son. But for our family, the key has been a slow introduction to social media over time, coupled with lots of conversations, and lots of grace for both the teens who are age appropriately egocentric and the parents who are age appropriately over-protective. In three years, my first son will be in a dorm room with access to whatever social media the world has to offer. Our hope is to walk through as much together before then, make mistakes together along the way, and give him the tools to make good decisions when the time comes for him to navigate social media (or whatever else is thrown at him) without us.
Jen, Bespoke Travel Planner from @GlobalOnDemandTravel
Plain and simple- it is not allowed. I know this will have to change with time. Especially as we get closer to college recruitment for sports, where social media plays a role, but for now, and until at least age 16, the answer is simply, "no."
Kim, Home Connoisseur from @Reverie.and.Root & Founder of Spilling Goodness
I'll start with where we are as a family. Our oldest is 15 and she has had Snapchat since just before starting high school. Her campaign leading up to us allowing Snap was filled with promises of responsibility and discussions on parameters. She only "snaps" with people she knows in real life, doesn't accept requests beyond her IRL social circle and we need to keep an open dialouge. Entering high school, I'm told Snap is a primary way that kids communicate and I understand her wanting to stay connected to her friends in this way. My nieces are older - seniors in high school and college now. And, when they were visiting, they gave me a tour of Snap. (Boy, did I feel like a grandma!) The streaks, the filters, the snapback timing - I don't speak the language fluently, but I needed to understand it before allowing access. One silver lining I didn't expect is that my daughter and her cousins now "snap" on the regular.
The next campaign will likely be for Instagram. Our high school shares a lot of content on different handles - sports, activities, pep rallies, all of it. And, I can understand how my daughter would like to see it. (Dear HS, why?? Why do we have to pull kids on to social media with your content, too!?! What about just putting in on an intranet? An email? Some OG form of content distribution?) I digress. For now, the answer is "no." It is illegal in other contries for kids under 16, so "no." We will cross that parenting bridge someday, likely soon, just not yet.
Rebecca, Woman's Leadership Coach from @PleasantlyAggressive
I have two teenagers who are both using social media, primarily Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube. I haven’t deluded myself into believing they're proper digital citizens. Instead, I have come to terms with the idea that they’re making mistakes. We’ve given them lots of blanket advice about expectations and do’s and don’ts, and reminded them to pause before posting. Do they listen? Yes. Do they heed the warnings? I hope so!
That's the problem; it's nearly impossible to enforce. All the while I’m trying to teach “digital literacy.” I want them to know what is factual and what is fake- from AI to news. Which influencers are harmful in their messaging, and what damage does social media do to young people? So, my strategy is education and oversight. Again, regulation is nearly impossible once they receive a phone. I’m scared, and I hate this part of parenting, but I can’t bury my head in the sand. The only upside? My kids send my husband and me funny memes and reels to me or in our family group chat. At least we can bond over that!
Ashley, Millennial Mom Nutrition Coach from @AshleyBreaksTheCycle
Let me just start by saying I swore I would never let my kid have a phone until high school. I said it with full confidence. And then my daughter spent a year wearing me down with begging, an actual PowerPoint presentation, and eventually my husband just said do it and I did. So that’s where we are.
She’s 13 now and has TikTok and Snapchat. The Snapchat happened because (she claimed) her entire hockey team was communicating on it and I wasn’t about to socially isolate her from her teammates. The private and micro-managed TikTok was already happening on her iPad for years. She loves to dance and be creative, so she and my nieces would just do the dances together. Now she’s on there for real.
Could I manage it better? Probably. But I trust her, and more importantly we talk. What’s real vs. fake, what’s AI, what’s filtered, what’s a highlight reel. And given the work I do around food and body image, I am very intentional about making sure she understands that what girls post about their bodies and what they eat is not reality. That part I take seriously.
My boys (11 and 8) have YouTube. I’ve tried to delete it. I let it go. It’s filtered for younger content and honestly my 11-year-old has become a walking sports encyclopedia from it, so I can’t be that mad.
Every family gets to figure this out their own way. There’s no perfect answer here and the judgment in both directions — too strict, too lenient — isn’t helping anyone. We’re all just doing our best with kids who were literally born into this world.
Ali, Book Aficionado from @The BookClubCart
Social media isn’t something our family has really had to navigate yet. My oldest is just finishing elementary school and doesn’t have a device besides his watch (which is new). My husband and I have both said we’ll be holding off on phones and social media for as long as possible.
One thing I do that I hope helps is I have both a personal account and a public account, so I’ve been very open with my kids about how things on social media aren’t always what they seem. I hope those conversations will make it a little easier to navigate this world as they get older and are introduced to it.
I’m honestly really interested to read everyone else’s responses. As a mom who hasn’t experienced this stage yet, I’m always looking to learn from families who are already navigating it.
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Kids & Social Media: How do you manage?
